Peter Graves

several years spent with zen.

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 10:06:44 GMT

you can't phase zen, ...lol such a sarcastic comment that so few will laugh at but i take the time to type it anyways...don't worry i will extrapolate on that a bit more. my search through religion is long documented on dusty old websites that some of you have even read maybe...its a vain useless mortality tinged gripe fest...it spins through the occult, parapsychology, and psychadelics before landing squarely on zen buddhism based on the modern english meme discordianism, anyone who doesn't see the link between discordianism and zen has never done acid...shame on you...judging with out exprience...

first you learn that chaos and order are just lack of / observance of patterns...next you learn that patterns are not the most prevalent form of matter...then you learn about the influence of the tool on the observation, then buddhism teaches you how to deal with this randomness and constant flux...i know i'm not the only one who has pushed through this path. why do this...because once your used to the flux and shifting change you learn to admire the rare abberations.

in my life i have done many things my outside observing friends have thought were wrong or stupid, maybe even greedy or painful, i have lost track of how many times i have been called an ass hole. but the one thing i have always done was follow my path, in western terms, my heart...in eastern my karma, instead of passively denying things in my reality i have always chosen to face them, to always face the responsiblity of my own actions, to own everything i have done. and to respect my inner voice.

my whole life i was taught to observe others and chose to adapt to them, that life is external of oneself, at the same time i had prophetic dreams, how could life be truely external of me if i can see bits of it happen in my dreams long before it transpires...the only question that lingered in my mind that always made me chase spirituality or i know my rational mind would have abandoned it.

but what about unshakeable zen, or those rare abberations...zen is a way of training your mind to be quiet, it doesn't tell you what will happen exactly once you get there, but it equips you with a way of dealing with it once you do..that put shortly is universalism and humanism. its like getting on track, there is a smoothness of life, an ability like water to flow around problems or change or issues, and getting on track has its benefits, an increase in deja-vu, visions, and funny enough, the ability to grasp true love, something i think that stays hidden until universal compassion is glimpsed. there are varying degree's of love hebrew has 13 different words that mean love in different amounts or situations.

these words are just that, words trying to describe how i have come to were i am...i think there are lots of other buddha's out there, on there track, calling it completely different words, martin luther king jr. grasped true love, and understood universal compassion, ghandi, ofcourse, big names huge leaders, but i think everyday walking amongst us there are little buddha's, on track moving around sharing there light...in the same respect there are those who have entirely lost there light, and are moving to increase darkness. such is the white noise of humanity.

but thanx to zen i can microscope in to my life, just as much as i extrapolate out, and i can embrace true love as it has found me, my family...usually i wouldn't talk about my family but why not...i think a direct result of embracing my inner voice was my finding her, and when i turned away from it, she stayed there, proving she has a firm grasp on her inner voice. HAHA. i kept the details very off the internet for fear of hurting it in anyway but its sooo past that sort of young love...there is a maturity to our union that comes from two people who are able to step outside of themselves and observe...two people both on track...the same one.

the same one...the same punk history, including being at a lot of the same shows, the same punk awareness of society, the same commitment to DIY, the same ability to rationalize quicky on your feet that comes from spending time on the streets, the same sardonic laugh, the same embrace of the future, the same distrust of establishments and authority, the same ability to pick out the subtle bullshit that is fed to us daily...the same inner refusal to conform to outside forces, that brilliant light that shines from inside a powerful personality, thats been battle tested.

Christy, i love you. we have the cutest baby.

OMG

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 08:24:55 GMT

today i did something that i have wanted to do for the last 7 or 8 years, i saw tom waits in concert, thats right THE tom WAITS!!! caravanned in my mr2 following josiah and lisa, in rose and joe's car, being followed by chad and justin and thimble and the ever witty steve-o....great group to waste time with before the show, josiah also helped me find a ticket since i didn't have one, but it fell through at the final moment only to be rescued by a thin video editor from pheonix with tattoo's...very cool guy sold me the ticket at face value, i smoked on the way down there, i drank when i got there and i used to concert to sober up, it was ...i still don't have words for it, buring a section of his ballads i went into an eye's barely open mediational state of some sort, i had visions, artistic crazy scenes played out in fast foreward, i left my body it wasn't even like being human...then bam right back to the moment, ....amazing....

the crowd was full of older people, arty people, gothy people, sharp dressed youngsters, but i was the only one in a spiked gutter punk leather jacket...they made me coat check it...seriously...the palace in louisville is an old theather that i believe was very well upkept or remodelled sometime in its past, its something out of a victorian, my elizabethian-esque dream...perfect setting for the show...i wish i had words...

one of the people behind me summed it up well, so i'll quote the cute blonde "i don't care what else happens in the rest of my life, this will always be in the top ten." LOL my sentiments exactly, probably for most people in the crowd, (which was international, i heard foriegn conversations) "i just flew in from new york and i have to leave on the red eye"...insert any major city not on the tour and i heard some one say it...LOL and i didn't even buy a ticket till i got there...HA! take that world!

ha!

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 14:16:48 GMT

http://propizzadriver.livejournal.com/

deer meets mr2, NO DAMAGE!!!

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 14:19:45 GMT

Tonight i was doing some driving on, my own private road...on the start of the 2nd pass thru, after clearing a turn i noticed a deer on the side of the road. Or the ass of a deer, hovering over the road more realisticly....what happened next i wouldn't believe except i did it, i was there and i have a witness...the deer perked its head up, saw headlights, and tried to bolt across the road...in a sheer fit of jedi-ness (muscle memory? instinct? too much driving?) i managed to brake slightly, just enough to get that duck-in feeling i love the aw11 for, dropping the front end, and steer/angle my car as to "catch" the deer with the side of the car. At the last milisecond the deer lowered its head to butt the car. This i caught with the front edge of the front bumper, and at speed (30+ at least), i was able to whip the back end of the car out of line in a mini "fishtail". Thus both accepting the blow of the deer, sliding him across the drivers side, and flipping him back off the road with the rear end of the car...this all happened in less time than it took my passenger to grab the oh ____ handle and scream "deer!!!"

....mainly when it play it back in my head, i see the deers ass. i see it bolt, and take two strides. i see my hands spinning the wheel, i see the deers head hit the bumper. Then i see the deers tan fur covering twitching shoulder muscles (it was fighting to stay on its feet) pushed against my window. Then i see it scoot/slide across the road in the rearview mirror... it took a couple seconds to comprehend all of it, after it was done, but i rolled to a stop. The deer was bounding off into the woods, and my car is undamged...no dents, and a half inch scrap on the side of the fender which will "buff right out"

my passenger called it divine intervention, i call it f$%^& Up. hell the raccon i hit last week at least dented the front lower bumper a bit. i'm talking a mile a minute, and have way to much adrenaline in my system, two hours plus later.

on top of it i made a post about it on the MR2 owners club forums, and look at this...HA! i am so l33t!

drunk rantings,,,,,

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 12:20:00 GMT

good god i feel worthless unless a girl tells me differently...thats not cool and i know, and i know why,,,but all this logic tells me nothing, i am still drunk, and i am still alone...how much do i feel like this is fucked up, a lot, how much do i want to change it, zero...this is fucking important if only to me....remember when you wake up you dumbshit....you care about what girls think...

my soul for tom waits tickets...

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 10:57:42 GMT

i don't even need two i only need one, for me, to either the chicago or kentucky show, i MUST have a ticket to see tom waits, i will murder for a ticket, i will commit arson for a ticket, message me and we'll work it out.

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 13:55:13 GMT

yeah its not a big deal, but it is a lot of pink. LOL. why do chicks have to be sooo...nevermind.

a weak hello from the shadow to the stars

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 09:53:44 GMT

staring nothing in the face, on the edge of my chasmic depression, my life is in shambles, i hadn't made art since october, everything starts to fall apart, but still i am just observing it, cold to the core emotionless and with out any care of the future...my website an innocent victim of the relationship crossfire...slowly though i drew my legs under me, cleared my head like i always try too...and this fell out...i have more on the way, the tap is flowing art is coming, fuck you world...fuck you...

i don't have a host currently, so i can't show you the full size.
the rest of the picture/sort of shrunk

tattooed buddhist cellphone number

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 01:16:18 GMT

yeah yeah if you didn't see on myspace, i have a cell phone this is the number

317 724-3891

unlimited minutes (yeah day and night) and text and pix...so call or just send scary ass cell phone pix

even happier tattooed buddhist car salesman

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 01:11:53 GMT

saturday was a bust, i took a lot of test drives but didn't sell anything at all, days like that just suck, its great to show off cars and all but it doesn't make me friends with the sales managers, which are the people who decide if i get to keep my job,...i went home and just drove all night long...

today on the other hand i went to work with the mindset of selling at least one car, and guess what i did...an '04 cavalier white with 49k miles on it, sold for 9988, good god i always feel high when i hand those keys over and they drive off, nice couple, husband was nearly deaf, had to yell on the car lot a couple of times...that was fun though, i love to yell, especially when the situation calls for it...

so far i have sold 3 cars since thursday...thats good, thats really good, if i can get another one tommorrow i should make enough to take some people out for steak after getting them real high, if you think i owe you steak, let me know....

happy tattooed buddhist car salesman

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 20:27:22 GMT

last night i stayed till 9:40, but i finally did it, i closed my first deal and delivered the car, a '04 grand am v6 in gray to Mr. and Mrs. Jason Kirby, what a deal too, 27k miles 13k dollars...i spent 3 hours with them helping them pick out a car, fill out the paper work, and wait, the biggest obstacle in the buisness is waiting with the costumer, soothing them, getting them ready to face the big bad finance manager...thats the most trying part of buying a car, but i'm good at that, i can make anyone feel relaxed (except for the perpetually angery, all you can do with them is answer questions)...wow, what a high, after i closed i couldn't make myself stop speeding, i just wanted to gun my mr2 up to 90, thats probably not safe on washington st., i pumped my fists i felt amazing, then half awake this morning, i closed a second deal for an '03 sorento, two cars back to back, and i want a third today, i might even stay till close just to see what happens...for being as incredibly complex and stressful as it is, this job is really fun when things work out...two cars just like that. well at least i know i can sell now, thats not a question that will eat at the back of my mind anymore.

tattooed buddhist carsalesman, day whatever

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 01:07:45 GMT

actually i think its day 4, maybe 5 who knows, you know really it doesn't matter cause its day one till i can sell a freaking car, which still hasn't happened yet, and actually makes me kind of angery, mainly at myself...why can't i make this happen, you know its not for lack of closing the deal, its more for lack of people paying there bills, or maybe i should brush off the people i don't think can afford anything...nah, i'm still going to give every person who wants to try a chance, why judge, you know...oh wait you don't, well the moment you walk onto a car lot your being judged by everyone that looks at you...every single one of them, i still find myself asking weither or not these people are going to waste my time when i first meet some one on the lot...but i swallow it, and i empty my mind of the preconcieved notions and then i go ahead...

will i get a day off, who knows, will i sell a car, most likely, will it happen tommorrow fuck i hope so...

buddhist tattooed carsalesman, day three

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 23:45:04 GMT

right now i'm sweating bullets, i have all but sold a nice buy here pay here van to a 30 something couple, and they walked out of the door to feed the kids, and get the check book...that was too long for me ago, maybe an hour and a half...this will be my first sale if they can just come back, to me it seemed like they loved the van but...ugh, its killing me ...waiting waiting, waiting...smoking cigarette's, waiting, smoking more...trying not to look like a nervous wreck...huh...this is an interesting job to say the least.

buddhist tattooed car sales man, day two

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 00:52:20 GMT

man my feet hurt, and wow, peoples credit is messed up, i mean like wow...wow, my day consists of walking around a lot full of used cars, and none of my bosses do anything but encourage me, if i feel like smoking well hell ya, go smoke, its weird, its also hard to work the credit end of things, really all i do is make people fall in love with cars, give them a test drive, and then talk shop, seriously i can make anyone fall in love with a car, i can almost make myself fall in love with these things...and their freaking kia's...i mean, they pride themselves on quality and reliabilty the last two things i look at, somewhere after cup holders...i like corner carving, and i like, well, 80s sports cars, we have nothing in that regard on the lot, another 12 hour shift with no cars sold, i better sell something this weekend, i mean freaking god damn its not like i'm trying to rip anyone off either, its just well, no one has any money but they all want to pretend like they do...what can you do, huh?

"peter peter pumpkin eater,
had a wife but couldn't keep her
so he wanted to kick her in the head,
but he shot her in the ass instead" -verbatim song my boss just sang to me.

oh well there's always tommorrow, "my desk is by the nascarr, no its not dale earnhardts, yes that is an acura nsx"

hurry up and wait!

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 00:25:02 GMT

i'm sitting at the dealership, ray skillman kia, i know what your thinking, and no, i'm not buying a kia, i'm trying to sell them, in fact i would have sold 3 if people had any credit...jeez...LOL anyways, anybody want to buy a kia...

DUDE seriously i sell cars!? fuck ya!!

pre-feb 14th massacre...heh

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 09:13:07 GMT

its called prophetic art, and i make it, tap into your dreams and see what rolls out, make sense out of it years later....good god its a gift baby, the art of making all this shit up, all the time...check this out...

renamed, deja-vu.

i made this over a year ago, its aynie sending mixed signals that make me comtemplate love...no seriously thats what it means...is this some sort of wild circle, or has the vicodin kicked in....shit ya...i love my mid-20s american bullshit drama...this shit is way better than my early 20s american bullshit drama, by yards, now i can walk around in cicles (walk around in circles, walk around in) mouthing intellectual reasonings behind all my masked motives, not that i couldn't before, its just now i'm starting to actually buy it...and i can write about it in area's where people will be just drawn into reading about it...HA!! awesome...why not turn life into a big sitcom...when can i strap a camera to my head and start broadcasting...i'm tried of tv ripping off my idea's anyways, just watch my life happen to me, and i'll make sure to hold the pepsi cans just right...

...i do what i want...you don't know me...

this journal is going down hill.

drunken blogging

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 09:05:16 GMT

good fucking god i am going insane with out my music to listen to, fuck...twice now i have gotten wasted on friday nights with my dad at some weird bar all his musician friends hang out at, its fucking easy to deal with old musician dudes when i'm drinking...fucking christ they all have a story and usually i don't want to listen to any of it,

the day started out weird, i got my suit back from the tailors and now i feel 100% obligated to use it, yippie, a money suit for me....i know it looks good though, it just feels good, something about dark charcoal/black wool tailored suits makes me a little too happy, i should have 100 of those things...anyways i'm a shoe in for the car sales job in that thing, add in a great looking sports car like my mr2 and bam, hustle city.

anyways afterwards i came home and started and finished my resume, something that should have been done oh...i don't know monday, oh well i'm late sue me...i couldn't interview with out the suit so who freaking cares. after the exhausting (LOL) resume work i took a nap, cause i can, and then i woke up to dad, "hey peter, you wanna come out and see my friend blah blah blah's band, its suppose to be called en2, yadda yadda yadda jazz free form...(ick) i'l pay for your drinks (how easy am i...free drinks!)?" ..."you bet dad", so we had to drive all the way out to brownsburg, check that he drove and i played with his XM radio, they have commercials on that shit, how ghey...the bar was attached to a bowling alley but the musicians were way to cool to go bowling, freaking ghey ....double ghey...so i sat down at the end of the table and just started downing whiskey sours, check that waitress make it a double...after about 3 of those the band was pretty tolerable, but sitting with a table full of musicians...well thats just barely...i gotta find better people to drink with...thats going to entail not drinking up free drinks, which means, oh shit i better get this job...

good night folks. tip your waitresses.

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 09:14:43 GMT

"live your life so it fits in the trunk of a yellow cab"

everyone already knows all my drama, if you don't... i don't know if i even feel like talking about it, don't worry your pretty internet heads over me. ----so thats what type of blog this is going to be, the stand offish type huh, fuck that, its because i'm fucking lost right now, in one week i've been canned and i've become single...no job no woman, and i'm so stoic, no cry...what should i do, i don't know, i'm getting my suit back from the tailors on friday, so after that interviews and resumes and yadda yadda yadda, i think i'm going to try to sell cars...why not, i spend half my life around them for free...plus how cool would it be to talk to a geniuely honest car salesman....i bet you would be comfortable enough to actually buy the right car....oh shit should i talk about the single thing...why most people are talking about it enough as it is...so formulate your opinion, talk amongst yourselves, and then shove it up your ass, cuz i really don't care...thats probably too harsh i might care maybe, well probably not, but i might...

fuck who reads this shit anyways, (you don't have to raise your hand) ... hmm, this isn't as cathartic as i thought it was, i wonder if i'll even hit the submit button. i really want to get my shit straightened out as soon as possible, but i'm sort of having trouble remembering how to do that, i don't know what its like to be single or alone, or with out a job, or with out responsibilties...i guess i do it was less than two years ago that i went out and journeyed around this fair country...but you know what that was all planned i had an agenda, and i knew when i came back i could do what i've done, work hard, make money play the game of life...thats not a question anymore in my mind, i can do whatever i want and still come back to reality and make something of myself, yes okay now i know...this time i am looking at a much different thing, this time i am looking at true freedom, not questions of...wow i can freaking ramble can't i...

true freedom and the only thing i can ask myself is whats next, why am i in such a hurry to get on to the next thing, what a rabid pace i have set myself into over recent history, its hard to function with out that. anyways its really to early to really know loneliness, i'm lying to myself right now and i can't stop.

15 to 25 hours a week?

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 00:39:41 GMT

anyone hip to any part time jobs, i'm thinking about getting a second job to pull down some extra cash...figured i would fish out amongst my friends before i hit the paper and nuvo.

my life...

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 07:05:31 GMT

hey, so i guess a lot of people are still reading this journal, its been a round for a while, and well i haven't been obsessive about blogging or anything at all recently, i've sort of stopped working on art for a bit too, my last image walked off with my inspiration, now i'm waiting for it to return....its good to take a break i think, i usually come back with something very fresh.

Being a pisces i shuffle my interests in a healthy way, chasing perfection in many different area's (yes i realize how far i am from that LOL). Right now i'm concentrating on cars i'm sure lots of you have picked up on that...i should enlighten you all about what i am up too, i'm stripping my red mkr2 as a project, from all the things i have seen the unibody frame will turn out to be too rusted, so i will most likely not be able to restore it. Normally this would make me very sad, but luckily, i already have another one, which is much better shape, therefore making my project a basement full of labelled extra parts....which is important really, because i plan on joining the SCCA and doing some solo2 racing next year, i am forming a club over this winter for next season, Newbies so we can all be newbies together...along those lines i met a kid who was doing a AE86 conversion...its not so easy to explain but its taking half of one car worth of parts and sticking it in another car...i've been helping him off and on for a month or so, and its almost completely finished...which is good really, because i haven't had a lot of time to strip my extra mr2...actually i don't really mind it gives me something to do during the nights...important since aynie has been working constantly...

most likely i will have a group of 4 racers assembled by march in time for the first hardcore's only race, these guys (scca hardcore guys) race come snow rain or anything early march, around my birthday...it should be good fun, i want a club so we can all look out for each other, video tape each others runs, and watch each others equipment, it would just be benificial...usually when i set my mind to this sort of thing it happens, the hardest part is finding car guys who aren't asshats...seriously most car guys are braggart asshat overly testosteroned freaks, but if you sift long enough you can find some cool people. i don't know why but the car scene has a horrible asshat to cool guy ratio...

what else...nothing really, i work, i play, i live...i am sort of nervous because aynie is starting school in january but i think she'll be a lot happier spending her time learning something she loves...i know that made a huge impact on my life, right now its hard, because we're trying to prepare for her going to school, its like getting a tattoo, it hurts a little bit, but its value shows up after a time. After she goes to school its my turn, and I'm finally ready, i'll be 26 next year, and i know what i want to do...i'm going to become a CPA...certified public accountat...oh they make so much bank for whats basically buisness math...there is only one reason for becoming an accountant, especially for a guy like me...thats making bank...certified bank...i want to be paid people, i want money, i want a house with a garage that holds many cars...i want a lotus elise...i have a desire for money...LOL feels good to admit that, i also want to have kids soon, hopefully we can just adopt two 6 year olds, skip the diapers and go straight to go-kart racing...LOL BE OBSESSIVE B-E Ob-Sessive

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 08:18:14 GMT

does anyone ever read this thing any more?

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 00:40:46 GMT

OMG! i just bought another aw11, this one has an amazing 93k original miles on it, you can't beat that...no trust me you can't, its nearly impossible to find one with that low of miles

thats right this is the 3rd one i've owned now...LOL...

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 06:46:58 GMT

i know its fall, because i can create shit, my creative mind goes into a slumber, all on its own, and now i'm faced with the approach i learned last year, i will wring the shit out of with with practices and experimentation until i get some, so new movement, so new action, some thing...fucking anything...

i'll start now, by getting a sketch book, and using my new camera...hmm, why do i always get stuck like this...is it just me?

hey anyone out there actually read this...answer me...seriously, your all creative people...i want to learn something...

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 01:01:50 GMT

another saturday night, and i'm home alone...usually this doesn't bother me, not tonight...

guess what i just got....

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 22:25:02 GMT

after two years of looking for a replacement to my fuji 4900z, i finally got it...

the konica minolta maxxum 7d

i'm ecstatic! i'm overjoyed! its like christmas up in this bitch!...LOL...really though, graduating from the 4900z to this camera will is the last step in learning photography, with this camera i should be able to create very high quality images, and gain the final step in full camera control...6 years behind the lens and counting...now if i can only find some one to help me set up a dark room, and learn how to use my rolleiflex and mamiya medium format camera's...then i'll have photography on lock down, and only have to keep up, not race foreward to stay with the pack...at this point i'm 100% capable of jumping back into freelance photography...something that had become an issue in the last year due to my 4900z outdated ccd...not all together a bad thing, letting me focus on developping my vector style...